Do I live without living in me?

Contribution by Isabel Hernández Negrín, Las Palmas, Canary Islands, Spain.

Do I inhabit my life?  Do I listen to the whispers from within me?  Do I heed the voice that sometimes asks me “does the life I lead have any meaning?”  Do I live in a frantic round of daily tasks and a yearning for the future?  Do I live in myself or do I live to achieve something?  Do I pursue the spectre of fashion and trends?  Do I live without living in myself?  Normally, by living between the past and the future, I skim over the wonders of the life that I have before my eyes, or within me.  I skim over my own life as it passes.  It passes, because I do not pause even for a moment.  My thoughts impel me to chase after things I imagine, or desire to have, or that I wish to avoid or forget.  I am drawn, as if hypnotised, by the lure of the moment, which promises me some kind of reward:  studies, work, a car, family, children, reputation, promotion, money, a beautiful house, small pleasures…

I rarely live inside myself because I choose to do so.  Sometimes it happens to me.  It happens when I see something beautiful and I am left speechless, without the noise of thoughts, without the clamour of emotions, without the urge of impulses.  But it does not last long, it slips through my fingers as if it were water.  I live without living in myself.  Maybe I can live rooted in the present moment.  Is there actually any other?  The rest are illusions.

What I experience will be as it should be, pleasant, unpleasant, happy or sad, strong or helpless, vital or apathetic.  Maybe I can live life without demanding that it be otherwise or that it last forever or that it end quickly.  Maybe I can cease to nurture these crazy thoughts, these invasive emotions, this resistance to things being as they are.

Maybe, if I did all that I could live in myself.